The Step and Blended Family Institute Blended Families and Step Parenting Support at The Step Institute
* Is living in a Blended Family or a Stepfamily “more than you bargained for?”
* Does step parenting feel like the most challenging and thankless job of all?
* Is the tension and conflict taking its toll on your relationships
* Are you becoming worried about your children and their well-being?
* Are you constantly arguing with your partner about the kids, discipline and parenting in general?
• Is your ex or your partner's ex causing real problems in your blended family and in your relationship
• Are you at the end of your rope and need some answers NOW
* Are you considering entering into a Blended Family or Stepfamily and want to be prepared?
Differences That Make a Difference
We can't stress it enough, original families are completely different than stepfamilies and blended families. We simply cannot apply what we know about living in a biological family, to living in a stepfamily and be successful. We've outlined some of the ways in which the two are very different and why expectations that a stepfamily should operate the same as biological family lead to frustration, disappointment, conflict and often failure.
(Lists of Differences developed by The Stepfamily Foundation, Inc.)
Original/Biological Family
- Related by blood
- Biological father - mother plus
- Parents work for the good
of their mutual children - The pattern for the family
is normal - There is time to form norms and structure, even before children are part of the picture
- A similar point of view on marriage and life evolves and/or is reconciled
- Couple comes first
- Parents predate the
children with an established relationship and structure - Positions in the family are generally known and understood
- Legal relationship and obligations exist with both parents
- Only one house for the family
- Parents demand respect of the other parent; more opportunity for parents to back each other up
- Sex and Blood Bonds are not in conflict
- Children are bonded to
both parents and want to please both - Less opportunity to pit parent against parent
- No ugly myths or fairytales surrounding parenthood
Stepfamily or Blended Family
- Related by marriage or living together
- One biological parent plus one stepparent
- Parent and stepparent work to meet the often conflicting needs of his/her/their children
- Little / no time for the development of forms and norms; children are already part of the picture
- Different backgrounds and ways of seeing the world often conflict. Not enough time for these to evolve and be reconciled
- Couple never came first before the children
- Couple must come together almost immediately to establish new rules,
routines, structures for all involved - Positions in family are widely isunderstood and hold tremendous potential for conflict
- CONFLICT: What is my position? Place? Power? Influence?
- The child has no legal relationship with the stepparent
- At least two, perhaps more homes for the family
- Sex and Blood Bonds are in conflict; the pull between the bonds of parent-child-couple conflict
- Children are torn; don't know how to act or who to please
- Children are often subjected to fights between parents who live in separate homes, and the parent and stepparent; ample opportunity to pit parents against each other
- Myths abound especially re: "The Wicked Stepmother"
- Stepfamily is formed from losses ie. death, divorce or separation
- Startling, unexpected behaviors often stem from misunderstood, underlying dynamics and unresolved issues and feelings
- Unrealistic expectations of healing that needs to take place and of how the new family will make up for the hurts of the past
- Children mourn the loss of the original family and may be more vulnerable; they may be fearful of yet another separation or break up of their new family, which the statistics tell us is more likely than not.
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